Sex Addicts Anonymous by International Service Organization of SAA Inc

Author:International Service Organization of SAA, Inc. [International Service Organization of SAA, Inc.]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 978-0-9892286-0-2
Publisher: International Service Organization of SAA, Inc.
Published: 2013-06-14T15:40:00+00:00

15.

TWO WORLDS COLLIDE

I grew up in a middle-class family in a small Midwest town. We had a family business, a nice home, were active in our church, and looked from the outside to be an ideal family. I learned from a very young age to protect and promote that public image. This was the first instance of developing two separate worlds that would later become a big part of my sex addiction. You see, behind those closed doors was rampant alcoholism, verbal and emotional abuse, lots of tears, and lots of unhappiness. But this the outside world must never see.

I was the fifth of six kids. The first four were much older than I, and well into their teens when I was a child. They gave my parents all the trouble, and then some, of typical teenagers. As the stress of the family dysfunction mounted, I soon learned my role in the family: I was the funny one. Whenever voices started to be raised or conflict mounted, I ran in to break the tension by cracking a one-liner, playing a practical joke, standing on my head—anything to distract from what was happening around me. I also learned to numb my emotions. I was naturally a very emotional child. But I soon learned that anger was never tolerated in my household, except my father’s. Tears were reserved for my mother only. And only “happy feelings” were okay to be shared with others. “I’m fine,” plastered with a fake smile, become my motto.

I discovered masturbation by accident one day when I was eleven years old. What a wonderful feeling! What an incredible distraction from the tension and dysfunction of our household! It quickly became a compulsion for me, every day, many times a day, to the point of making myself sore.

I eventually showed this newfound activity to a friend of mine and we began some mutual exploration. Nothing too serious, nothing too often. Looking back, it probably was pretty normal childhood exploration. But what I do remember now is that I was very much more interested and sexually excited by this than he was.

One common thread throughout my addiction is that I quickly became bored with whatever activity I chose. I needed more stimulation; eventually I needed more risk. So after compulsive masturbation, I turned to pornography. Although we never had this in our home, the fathers of kids that I babysat had ample stashes, so it was easy for me to use. Occasionally I would steal some from the local drug store. After this no longer provided me with enough stimulation, I started masturbating in places where there was a slight chance of getting caught. I remember masturbating in a dark movie theater with a coat over my lap or in the back of a car while someone else was driving. Once I remember masturbating on the balcony of a hotel from the twelfth story, partly hoping someone would see me. All of this occurred while I was still a young teen.

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